How to Say Hurray for Lingerie as a Person of Trans* Experience

In April of 2017 I made a big deliberate choice. It was moments before the taping of my appearance on The Rachael Ray show, and in front of Rachael, a live audience, and 2 million+ people, I said that “I have fit thousands of people for bras.” Seems simple, right. After all, it’s true. I have fit so many people for bras in my 12+ year in the lingerie industry and as a bra fitter that I’ve lost count. But when I say that I’ve helped thousands of people in the bra fitting room, I mean people. And people come in all different types. People vary by age, size, shape, ability, color… and gender. I used to say that I’ve fit women for bras – and that is true! I love fitting women. But I have also helped men. And people that do not fit into our binary standards of male and female, man or woman. And saying that for the first time in such a big way felt right.

As a cisgender female {that means that my personal sense of gender identity corresponds with my birth sex} I’ve never questioned my womanhood. I was born as a female by sex and assigned girl as my gender, and I have always felt that I was a woman, through and through. It wasn’t even until I started as a bra fitter, in my late teens and early 20’s that I first witnessed anyone who may feel otherwise about themselves. And it wasn’t until I was being interviewed for an article on a very inclusive site that I was actually asked “what pronoun would you like for us to use for you? How do you identify?” It wasn’t that the writer questioned my gender identity, or that I did. I present as a woman in the way I walk, dress, talk, and act. My actions follow most of society’s current terms and conditions for being a woman (I say most, because not all) – and she saw that. What was so eye opening was the fact that I had never even had to think about my gender identity being questioned. And this, friends, is not a privilege that everyone has.

Gender and Undergarments

Gender is a hot topic right now. There is a new societal emphasis on conversing about things like gender identity, transgender, gender presentation, genderqueer, gender-variant, gender non-conforming, gender roles, gender vs. sex, and other important aspects of gender. Our societal collective is opening up to the fact that not all things and people fit into our binary (as in, just two exist) gender norms. And, we’re even stretching and opening up our views on what the norms for each gender can look like. It’s exciting. It’s wobbly and wonky as we learn our way together as a society. And it’s about dang time!

{PS: I understand that keeping track of all of these terms and experiences can get overwhelming, right? Helpful tip: This Transgender 101 article outlines a lot of the basics. Please take a moment to lovingly educate yourself. And keep an eye out for other helpful articles and information along the way. I’m still learning myself and have leaned on those in the community to help me find the right language and appropriate words.}

Today, I want to discuss something specific: transgender. And I’m going to get even more specific: being transgender and shopping for undergarments. Because, undergarments are my jam, and they offer a very real opportunity to explore gender identity. Bras and underwear clothe two of our most sacred human parts, and parts in which we often associate gender norms.

As I mentioned, I have fit thousands of people for bras and undergarments since 2005 in NYC. And of those, a handful were of trans* experience. That I even knew of. Some clients would openly, or reluctantly, or nervously tell me. Others appeared to be transitioning and I felt no need to point it out, but used my educated guess to help advise them on the best products for their body and needs. And others, quite frankly, I could have helped and never known. As a bra fitter, it’s not entirely necessary for me to know. A person’s gender is not my business. But I say “entirely”, because there are some instances when it’s super helpful to know. For instance, if the person is just starting to transition and their bust may be fluctuating quite a bit, this information could help me determine what size to suggest. Or, if they are just starting to wear bras in their 30’s, and may need a more basic understanding of how to wear them (I actually usually go over this anyway with everyone, regardless of age). Or if they’d like to wear a push up or prosthesis, a waist-cincher or padded underwear, or other undergarment to achieve a specific (oftentimes one influenced by gender) silhouette.

The tricky thing is, however, that it may not always feel safe to reveal yourself in such a way. I understand. I remember one lovely client entering the tiny fitting room with me in a great deal of fear. They were breathing deep, their eyes darting back and forth, as they assessed if they were in danger of being judged, kicked out of the boutique, or worse. For all I knew, this was their first time bra shopping ever. Or they had gone for one before and been met with refusal of business and prejudice. In the moment, I tried my best to be cool and pretend that nothing was different in order to make them feel comfortable. Clearly, though, this person was different than most of my clients. Because they were transitioning, they had different needs than the woman in the next fitting room. And being aware of and sensitive to that, and understanding the specific needs really helps me serve this lovely person with much more care. Instead, as a young person, I felt the twinge of worry about what the woman in the next room would think, and didn’t want to make her uncomfortable. We were on the Upper East Side of Manhattan, an area known for having an older, richer, more conservative clientele. I made all sorts of assumptions about her, about the person in my fitting room, and about whose comfort really mattered most. I thought I kept everyone’s needs and desires in mind and handled it well at the time. In fact, everyone left quite happy! And now, I realize there was probably even more room for love in that small fitting room. Gosh, I’m so thankful to learn more and more all the time.

You see, going in for a bra fitting or lingerie shopping is a revealing and intimate experience. I use my knowledge and expertise as a tool to help people say hurray inside, outside, and underneath – and it’s a tool that I use with much sacredness. And not every bra fitter, or bra salesperson, or lingerie boutique owner does so. Or, quite frankly, has helped a person of trans* experience. I try to be compassionate for that bra fitter, because I was her once as well.

I’m not here to tell you what to think, how to feel, who to be – when it comes to yourself or relating to others. I’m here to shine a light on the very real experiences that some of our fellow human beings are having. I’ve felt a calling for a long time to show up and step up for the trans* community. Hurray Kimmay is all about saying hurray on the inside, outside, and underneath. And that means for everyone. A lot of what I share here on my site comes from my own personal experience, which is that of a married, cisgender, heterosexual, white passing Latina of mixed heritage. And I know it’s important to share the experiences of others. I do so in campaigns like #MoreThanMyNumbers {shameless and super proud shout out}, or by including reader write-ins in some of my Pros & Cons articles, and more. And providing a platform and a voice for those who may not have a way to share their experience is a big hurray.

Meeting Nicki

So imagine my delight when a popular online website said they wanted to shine a light on transgender undergarment needs and frustrations in a Facebook Live with me. I was thrilled! But this opportunity seemed to be doomed. As we were preparing to shoot it earlier this year, it got pushed back several months. Then, as the new date approached, I started reaching out in my community and online looking for people of trans* experience to share their thoughts about their underwear on camera for everyone to see… and kept hitting a wall. With good reason, there was a reluctancy to show their bodies and share their vulnerabilities and even sexuality in a seemingly casual conversation. Or they didn’t live in the NYC area. Or they were unavailable. And while the online publication is well known for their forward thinking and inclusive articles {there’s no need to speculate on why I’m not including their name. I just don’t want their name to be the focus of this article} I also got the sense that a few may have felt like their experience was suddenly trendy and they were being exploited. No one said this to me. And I could be making it up. But it was certainly on my mind, as it was important to me that this not be an exploitative scenario. I was determined to move forward and share the narrative with compassion, helpful guidance, and love.

So, within days of the shoot, I was quite pleased to be introduced to a young woman of trans* experience: Nicki. Nicki went to college with my younger brother, and he introduced us. What started as an email exchange back and forth, and then a Skype call, blossomed into something much bigger. I asked if I could interview her for the Facebook Live opportunity and she revealed to me her story of transitioning, her hopes and fears, trials and triumphs, and her dream to become the first trans* Victoria’s Secret Angel. I assumed that she wouldn’t fly in from Florida to NYC for this short Facebook Live event, but she jumped at the chance. I cautioned Nicki that she shouldn’t act too swiftly, because the shoot was not confirmed and we hadn’t hammered out details. But something about our relationship, our goals and message, and our timing felt so aligned. After some back and forth with the publication and no real details, I finally told her that while things were not really finalized, that I wanted to work with her anyway. We both agreed that we KNEW we should work together somehow. She booked the ticket. And within hours, I got a “sorry we have to put this on hold” email from the publication. 

Making Lemonade Out of Lemons

I called Nicki to tell her that the Facebook Live shoot with the online publication had been cancelled and we were both disappointed. Not because we weren’t going to be on some fancy publication’s Facebook page, but because it felt like our chance to share our message in a big way was lost. So. I used a mantra my coach taught me and shared it with Nicki: “What if this is happening FOR us, and not TO us?” We decided to move forward with her trip to New York City. And, I told Nicki, “Let’s make some lemonade out of these lemons. Like, really good lemonade.” We decided to create something (this thing you’re reading now) for my site, including a photo shoot and interviews. Plus, it was Pride weekend in NYC. So I created an itinerary (I’m not kidding, a very detailed itinerary) and reached out to people in my community and in the trans* community to create this weekend.

One such person was my friend and colleague, Laura Boyd of the boudoir photography studio, Own Your Sexy. I told her about Nicki, I told her what had happened, and I told her about Nicki’s dreams to be a Victoria’s Secret Angel. I also told her that I had already sent out requests to a few brands and companies, but with such short notice, had no luck securing funds or a paying sponsor. Funds would all be coming out of my pocket. Laura, angel that SHE is, contributed the photo shoot and images of Nicki to us as a gift. Her support of my mission to help people say hurray, and of the LGBTQIA+ community itself, can not be overstated.

Five Days to Say Hurray

It feels impossible to do a quick recap of our adventures, the bonding, and the learning that we both did during this time – but it feels important to at least try. So below is a as-brief-as-possible timeline of our activities and some quick memories of Nicki’s trip to NYC with me. I have so many photos and lots of video, and for brevity’s sake (trust me, I’m trying) I’m just giving you the facts.

Why Victoria’s Secret

So, I want to point out something about Victoria’s Secret. At first, when I heard Nicki say that her goal was to be a Victoria’s Secret Angel, I recoiled. I believe that Victoria’s Secret has a purpose in the lingerie world, for sure. But I had several reservations about Nicki’s aspirations for working with them. And as a protective older sister, I laid them out. 1. VS is so mainstream, and often mainstream companies do a great disservice to those who do not fit into their narrow size range or commercial stereotypes. 2. They are traditionally non inclusive of gender non conforming people or their needs. 3. Quite frankly, I’m not always impressed with their products or quality. 4. The way they market to and talk to women can be quite damaging. 5. There are so many amazing, inclusive, lingerie brands who are doing great work to be inclusive and mindful and open hearted. I wanted Nicki to try those brands and fall in love with them.

So when we went shopping together, I introduced Nicki to some of my favorite lingerie brands. Brands that I thought would wow her with their sophistication, open mindedness, and more. And while she liked them, she still wanted a different hurray. So, we strode over to the big Victoria’s Secret on Fifth Avenue. Right away, Nicki’s attitude changed. She lit up. It was like watching a kid in a candy shop! At 23 years old and spending most of her life in Florida, Victoria’s Secret was what she knew. Just like most young women her age. And when we ventured upstairs to the VS runway museum (legit, there’s a museum of costumes and lingerie up there), I was witness to a very special exchange.

While I was taking some snapshots of Nicki against a wall with wings as a background, a young woman and her family shyly strode over and asked:

“…Are you a Victoria’s Secret Angel?”

Nicki paused, for like a second, and I interjected: “Not yet, but she will be.”

The family of three lit up. “May we take a picture with you?” they asked.

“Sure!” said Nicki, graciously.

I was in awe watching their young daughter, sweet and awkward in her early teen years, looking up to Nicki. I saw her parents embrace Nicki and wish her luck on her road to the Angel runway. I saw them see beauty, and work ethic, and openness, and Nicki herself. I did not see them see “oh, that’s a trans* woman”. And come to find out – this was not the first time Nicki had been mistaken for an Angel.

Suddenly, Nicki’s goal to work with Victoria’s Secret made sense to me.

You see, when it comes down to it, we need more transgender models in mainstream lingerie and undergarment ads and companies because that’s what people know. It’s what they understand. Seeing someone like Nicki in the mainstream lingerie world can help them bridge the gap between where they stand now and what they currently understand, and the realities that exist for others outside of the binary ideas of man and woman. As Nicki said to me, “people fear what they can’t see”. To a majority of people in our country (and certainly beyond), a non-binary person, or a person of trans* experience is unknown to them. They can’t understand what it means. They may not see this type of gender identity in their neighbor, brother, co-worker, or dear friend. And they make up all sorts of assumptions and stories using misguided and fearful information.

So, I would like for you to see and witness these beautiful people of trans* experience. I hope what you see, read, and witness will help ease any fears or misunderstandings you may have. I hope that you can open your heart to see – truly see – these beautiful people for who they are: people. Their stories are below. One such transwoman is Pooya. In her revealing article with Advocate, she explains that she felt lost and fell into despair during her transition because she “had never met a trans person — never even personally seen a trans person, except as some twisted depiction in a Hollywood movie. … There was no outside voice: no articles, no television show.” As an actress, her work in mainstream entertainment could also help bridge the gap.

Something that came up in both my conversation with Nicki and in the Advocate article with Pooya was their admittance that not every person who transitions has an easy time visibly “passing” as their gender. Or, at least as easy of a time as they have had. This is true for most at the start of transition, and for many even after a lengthy transition process. Not to mention, it often costs a great deal of money to “successfully pass”, as some have put it. And not passing as your gender can be tremendously difficult for many reasons – those you can imagine and perhaps more that you can not. In Nicki and Pooya’s cases, they not only pass as women, they are quite beautiful by society’s standards. This makes them uniquely qualified to reach a group of people that perhaps their trans* brothers and sisters may not be able to with as much ease. This kind of privilege is not lost on them. Even just showing up and volunteering to share their stories with us here is a brave and vulnerable thing to do. And I know they are already making big waves, and are ready to make even bigger waves soon.

Here are some big waves. Take a look at Nicki’s photoshoot.

All images: Produced by Kimmay Caldwell of Hurray Media for Hurray Kimmay. Photography by Laura Boyd of Own Your Sexy. Model, Nicki Vrotsos.

{Psst! These beautiful pieces were provided by Maison Close and Playout. Thank you to these brands and amazing photographer Laura Boyd of Own Your Sexy. More info on these companies below.}

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How to Say Hurray for Lingerie as a person of Trans* experience

Learn the Basics 

This site and several other websites around the web are filled with wonderful information on undergarments and bra fitting. Here are a few places to start:

• Read my article for LiveAbout on The Best Lingerie for the Transgender Community – includes links to some of the best brands and products you may want to try (for both trans* masculine and feminine needs) and specific style advice
• Bra Size: Take your measurements and learn your bra size starting points – bra fitting and sizing can be confusing, so use this as a great place to start so you’re not totally guessing when trying on bras. Sometimes this simple first step can lead to a great awareness about bra sizes and what may fit you best.
• Fit Tips: Learn how to tell if your bra fits with my Top 5 Bra Fit Tips PDF, printable checklist, and video. Getting a good fit is really the biggest key to feeling comfortable and confident in your undergarments.
• Fundamentals: Learn one of the fundamentals of bra sizing: sister sizing. This bra fitting tip can be a lifesaver when it comes to determining how to adjust your size when looking for the best fit.
• Styles: Explore more styles and which may work best for you in my Underneath Resources pages.

Get to Know your Body 

Your body is unique. Throughout your life it will change – especially certain physical aspects during transition. And even after a transition period, our bodies still change due to weight gain or loss, hormone fluctuations, age, stress, and more. Get to know yours and what it looks like, how it feels when you wear certain things, and what support and comfort it craves.

That means taking your measurements and calculating your bra size starting points (see above). It also means knowing that your body may have different needs than what the undergarments you find in mainstream shops can provide. Knowing your body and what it needs to feel and look its best during each step of your transition, and each phase of life is crucial when deciding where to shop and with whom to shop. Being informed about your own needs can helps others help you. For example, if you have had breast augmentation surgery, what specific bra needs may you have? Perhaps they’re firmer or set far apart and a bralette may be a better fit than an underwire, molded bra. Or if you have not had augmentation and want the appearance of a fuller bust, what can help you? Perhaps a push up bra, or a bra with inserts could be work. These are all things to explore and to share. Speak up and tell your fitter, tell the brands, tell the world. We need some massive changes made, pronto, and when you speak up, it helps brands know what to create and how to help you.

Plus, getting to know and love your body is one of the most amazing journeys of life. I’m still learning how to be my body’s best friend. Like with any deep relationship, we’ve had our ups and downs. And continuously working toward a more loving and compassionate relationship opens up opportunities to love other parts of yourself. And eventually, that love inside yourself helps you to love and understand other people, too. It’s a ripple effect that our entire world can benefit from. Hurray to that.

Resources:

• 5 Gifts to Give Your Body
• Learn to Love: Your Bum
• Learn to Love: Your Legs
• Learn to Love: Your Belly

Discover What Makes YOU Say Hurray 

I and fashion magazines and your best friend and your partner and that advertisement can each suggest what to wear. And when it comes down to it, it’s YOUR body, your life, your journey. Exploring your desires and what you love is a process. It takes some time and letting go of other people’s expectations and your own judgements to find what really makes you say hurray. And by hurray, I mean the kind of hurray that comes from knowing that what you are putting on your body, and how you are relating to it brings deep, personal pleasure that spreads from the inside, to underneath, and out.

Undergarments are such a wonderful place to start. Often, they can be worn underneath clothing, which means you can choose to wear them just for yourself. That means you can explore how they make you feel throughout the day without having to show or present them to anyone else. This can help inform what identity you want to then share with the world. It’s all learning. It’s all a pathway to owning your whole self, and deciding when and how to share it with others.

Resources: 

• Hurray for Four Ways to Own Your Sexy
• Finding and Sharing Your True Colors
• How to Lovingly Reveal Yourself
• Do You HAVE to Wear a Bra?

Understand That Your Are Loved, and Lovable

Many of the trans* interviewees discussed feeling alone, misunderstood, and unsupported when shopping for undergarments. Some even relayed stories of feeling threatened or ignored. I want you to know that I see you. You are seen, and heard, and loved, and cared for. And not just by me. There are people everywhere who share your experience, or who are learning to understand it, and who support you, and who love you. Not to mention, you were divinely created and are loved from above. Just sayin’.

So when you’re struggling to feel loved and lovable, I encourage you to have a way to remember that you are. Keep a mantra in your pocket. Wear a necklace that reminds you love is all around. Connect with a friend or a member of your community to remember that you are not alone. And certainly, adorn yourself with beautiful bras and lingerie to remind yourself that you are beautiful. Even if no one else sees it, you know it’s true.

Get to know and love yourself. Because it’s hard to receive this kind of love and support from others, or to even feel that it’s there, if you are having trouble receiving love from yourself. We all struggle with self doubt, and the trans* community has so much outside pressure and prejudice that feeds those old stories of “I’m not good enough,” or “something is wrong with me”, or “I’m not beautiful”. So take some time to practice forgiving yourself for the misunderstanding that those stories are true. Because they are not. What is true is that you are loved and lovable, just as you are.

Resources: 

• How to Date Yourself (Whether You Have a Partner Or Not)
• Hurray for Four Ways to Keep Promises to Yourself

Of course, my favorite ways to say hurray is with a bra fitting and coaching session! Find a local bra fitter, or I invite you to talk with me about my services.

Do you work in the lingerie industry? How can you support and include this community? In what ways are you already doing so? And what steps can you take to make sure you are supporting their actual needs, and not just surface level needs?

Are you not a person of trans* experience? What came up for you while reading this article? What doors opened for you in your heart? What surprised you? How can you support this community? What can you personally do to create a more loving and inclusive world, for people of trans* experience and beyond?

Leave your comments here (please be respectful and caring. The people interviewed here are brave and loving to open up their inner thoughts and needs with you. Rude or lewd remarks will be deleted.) or write them in a journal, or share them with a friend. Whatever you do, I hope are taking a loving step to say hurray on the inside, outside, and underneath!

A personal note: I feel really happy to have the blessing on this topic by the people of the trans* community that I interviewed. Several times, they’ve told me that I am their ally and advocate, and welcomed me with love and support. I am so thankful for this, because I am trying my very best to show up with sensitivity to a topic where I have no personal experience. I’m so happy to have the support to overcome my own doubts, so that I can help YOU overcome yours. If this article has inspired you to open your heart a little bit more, your mind a little bit more, and your self a little bit more to new pathways of love – then hurray. It was all worth it.

A special thank you to Maison Close and Playout for providing samples or donating styles to be worn for this shoot. A massive thank you to Laura Boyd of Own Your Sexy and Own Your Brand for the amazing photographs. And a formal thank you to the interviewees for their time and effort – especially to Nicki and her mom, Nancy, for making the trip to New York City.

Other resources:

• Some writers of The Lingerie Addict’s website discuss trans and LGBTQ trends and needs
• A study on the population of transgender citizens
• The Audra Lorde Project
• Outright International
• The Center
• GATE – Global Action for Trans Equality
• STP, International Campaign Stop Trans Pathologization
• APTN – Asia Pacific Transgender Network
• TGEU – Transgender Europe
• TPATH – Transgender Professional Association for Transgender Health
• ILGA Trans Secretariat

Special thank you to Kathy Mills of Outright for providing several of these resources.